it was nearly 9pm when dad drove up the road that led to our house, and as usual he signalled to the right ready to turn and park at the porch in front of our house. the rear lights of his toyota rush reflected off something in the middle of the road, it was a pair of cat's eyes. the kitty seemed to be just lying there.
"eeee! lengzai! eh no, lenglui!" i noticed the dark and white markings on her neck, but was not sure who it was as both of them have similar markings. i squealed in delight to my sister sitting at the back before unbuckling my seat belt, getting ready to hop off the car and play with her.
but as dad drove closer and closer to her we realized that she did not get up and avoid our car like all cats do. she just...laid there. our first reactions were "oh no, oh no no no!"
we opened the car door and leapt out onto the road. before i could reach her little body, tears have already started to pool in my eye. i could not bring myself to touch her, but i wanted to hold her and make sure she is okay.
"lenglui...no no, lenglui, are you okay..." i stroked her body, no response. i push her a little and cried out her name once more, her name which meant "beautiful girl" in the hokkien tongue, but still, she lay motionless on the dark grey asphalt, darkness engulfing her.
"jie...is she dead..is she still breathing? where is a cat's heart? is it still beating?" my sister knelt down on the other side of her, tears in her eyes, in her throat, attempting to locate the heart with shaking hands, asking all the rational questions.
"i dont know i dont know i dont know....." unable to think rationally, i carried her lifeless body with two hands, cuddling her close to my body, up to my chest, cradling a precious treasure next to my heart. i felt all her weight on my arms, she felt heavier than usual, but yet so limp and broken. her neck fell to one side, i can still feel the limpness of her neck on my left hand, like trying to hold on firmly to a piece of jelly, but unable to stop if from sliding away. like the life in her, sliding away, or have slid away. i massaged the place where the base of her neck meets the spine, and felt a devastating hollow in between, at the same time, felt a similar devastating hollow in the innards of my own heart, as my vision got blurred by a gush of tears, as i got torn apart by an overwhelmingly uncontrollable surge of grief and sadness.
we stood like that for god knows how long, in the middle of the road, two girls crying buckets of tears, stooping over a limp body in their arms. i just played with her 2 hours ago, 2 fucking hours ago. how long does it take for a life to just go away like that? and the uncle who takes care of them was just cradling her in his arms, stroking her body, massaging her tiny ears. "her eyes are no longer copper in colour, they are green now, most adult cats change their eye colour as they mature." my last words to her when she walked away from me was "bye bye lenglui", or was it "go, go to uncle", remembering that he was gesturing her to go over with his hand, as i walked home.
my sister and i thought we better tell uncle about this, and maybe look for lengzai as we have not seen him in 3 days, wondering if he too, was sick and unable to roam around. but we did not know that we did not have to bother looking for her brother.
the uncle was not in when we brought her to his house, but his wife told us that lengzai died 2 days ago on the way to the vet, and that lenglui just got back from the vet yesterday. the vet gave her a jab and she was just fed her medications when i saw her in the evening. i can hear that auntie was trying to hold back her tears as she opened her gate and came to see lenglui for the last time, i spoke to her in my rickety hokkien and she replied to me in her perfect teochew, both speaking different tongues but still understanding each other perfectly well.
"they had illnesses of the throat," auntie said in teochew, and we instantly recalled seeing a lump on the right side of lengzai's neck 2 weeks ago. "such a pity, uncle loves them so much, and you girls love them too. such a pity. thankyou for informing us, you girls are doing a very good deed, caring for these strays. may they rest in peace." auntie put her palms together and murmured a sentence of silent prayer for lenglui and stroked her one last time. and she said her goodbye. in our hearts, we reluctantly said our goodbye as well.
***
there is a little slope opposite uncle's house, on that slope is an empty ground where bushes and tress grow abundant, and neighbours line their potted plants at its lowest part. we decided to bury her there, close to home, so she wont get nervous waking in a strange land, so she wont get lost if she wants to roam around a little when her body heals. we dug a hole in the sand with a piece of broken tile and lay her down in it, pillowing her disjointed neck with some paper. we laid down a bunch of her favourite flower that hui plucked from the playground. we said our final goodbyes, we transferred tearful kisses from our lips to her forehead using our fingers. we started covering her with sand.
we stuck the piece of broken tile next to the dune we made, a headstone for her. her final resting place.
bye, our little one. you left young, but you led a blessed life. dont get lost now, follow the light, lengzai will be waiting for you on the other side, far from sadness, diseases and illness. both of you were not buried together, but i am sure both of you will be frolicking together in the sun, scratching your backs on the same piece of smooth gravelstone, rolling around in the green green grass of your final homes. you will never be alone, i promise, you will always have a place to stay, forever welcomed in our hearts and our home.
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| if i called loud enough, will you be able to hear me and come home now? |
i drove past her grave today after lunch, and smiled a smiled to myself. you are both safe now.
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