one story for two cats

it was nearly 9pm when dad drove up the road that led to our house, and as usual he signalled to the right ready to turn and park at the porch in front of our house. the rear lights of his toyota rush reflected off something in the middle of the road, it was a pair of cat's eyes. the kitty seemed to be just lying there.

"eeee! lengzai! eh no, lenglui!" i noticed the dark and white markings on her neck, but was not sure who it was as both of them have similar markings. i squealed in delight to my sister sitting at the back before unbuckling my seat belt, getting ready to hop off the car and play with her.

but as dad drove closer and closer to her we realized that she did not get up and avoid our car like all cats do. she just...laid there. our first reactions were "oh no, oh no no no!"

we opened the car door and leapt out onto the road. before i could reach her little body, tears have already started to pool in my eye. i could not bring myself to touch her, but i wanted to hold her and make sure she is okay.  

"lenglui...no no, lenglui, are you okay..." i stroked her body, no response. i push her a little and cried out her name once more, her name which meant "beautiful girl" in the hokkien tongue, but still, she lay motionless on the dark grey asphalt, darkness engulfing her. 

"jie...is she dead..is she still breathing? where is a cat's heart? is it still beating?" my sister knelt down on the other side of her, tears in her eyes, in her throat, attempting to locate the heart with shaking hands, asking all the rational questions.

"i dont know i dont know i dont know....." unable to think rationally, i carried her lifeless body with two hands, cuddling her close to my body, up to my chest, cradling a precious treasure next to my heart. i felt all her weight on my arms, she felt heavier than usual, but yet so limp and broken. her neck fell to one side, i can still feel the limpness of her neck on my left hand, like trying to hold on firmly to a piece of jelly, but unable to stop if from sliding away. like the life in her, sliding away, or have slid away. i massaged the place where the base of her neck meets the spine, and felt a devastating hollow in between, at the same time, felt a similar devastating hollow in the innards of my own heart, as my vision got blurred by a gush of tears, as i got torn apart by an overwhelmingly uncontrollable surge of grief and sadness.

we stood like that for god knows how long, in the middle of the road, two girls crying buckets of tears, stooping over a limp body in their arms. i just played with her 2 hours ago, 2 fucking hours ago. how long does it take for a life to just go away like that? and the uncle who takes care of them was just cradling her in his arms, stroking her body, massaging her tiny ears. "her eyes are no longer copper in colour, they are green now, most adult cats change their eye colour as they mature." my last words to her when she walked away from me was "bye bye lenglui", or was it "go, go to uncle", remembering that he was gesturing her to go over with his hand, as i walked home.

my sister and i thought we better tell uncle about this, and maybe look for lengzai as we have not seen him in 3 days, wondering if he too, was sick and unable to roam around. but we did not know that we did not have to bother looking for her brother. 

the uncle was not in when we brought her to his house, but his wife told us that lengzai died 2 days ago on the way to the vet, and that lenglui just got back from the vet yesterday. the vet gave her a jab and she was just fed her medications when i saw her in the evening. i can hear that auntie was trying to hold back her tears as she opened her gate and came to see lenglui for the last time, i spoke to her in my rickety hokkien and she replied to me in her perfect teochew, both speaking different tongues but still understanding each other perfectly well. 

"they had illnesses of the throat," auntie said in teochew, and we instantly recalled seeing a lump on the right side of lengzai's neck 2 weeks ago. "such a pity, uncle loves them so much, and you girls love them too. such a pity. thankyou for informing us, you girls are doing a very good deed, caring for these strays. may they rest in peace." auntie put her palms together and murmured a sentence of silent prayer for lenglui and stroked her one last time. and she said her goodbye. in our hearts, we reluctantly said our goodbye as well.

***

there is a little slope opposite uncle's house, on that slope is an empty ground where bushes and tress grow abundant, and neighbours line their potted plants at its lowest part. we decided to bury her there, close to home, so she wont get nervous waking in a strange land, so she wont get lost if she wants to roam around a little when her body heals. we dug a hole in the sand with a piece of broken tile and lay her down in it, pillowing her disjointed neck with some paper. we laid down a bunch of her favourite flower that hui plucked from the playground. we said our final goodbyes, we transferred tearful kisses from our lips to her forehead using our fingers. we started covering her with sand. 

we stuck the piece of broken tile next to the dune we made, a headstone for her. her final resting place.

bye, our little one. you left young, but you led a blessed life. dont get lost now, follow the light, lengzai will be waiting for you on the other side, far from sadness, diseases and illness. both of you were not buried together, but i am sure both of you will be frolicking together in the sun, scratching your backs on the same piece of smooth gravelstone, rolling around in the green green grass of your final homes. you will never be alone, i promise, you will always have a place to stay, forever welcomed in our hearts and our home.

if i called loud enough, will you be able to hear me and come home now?

i drove past her grave today after lunch, and smiled a smiled to myself. you are both safe now. 

smile

the product of procratination: picture from myfolder; texts from mybrain; serviette from capricciosa; smile from theglass. 

grey matters

assignment #1: 1500/2000words

assignment #2: 0/2000words

assignment #3: a considerable amount of words/2000words

minor assignment #4: 3/4 online discussion postings

hang in there. like cats on a window sill, like swans gliding on a turquoise lake, like dreamcatchers in the morning sun. until friday.

sources: htcdiamond2. dreamcats. agapeboutique. stockholmstreetstyle. hellocute. fashiongonerogue. wikipedia.

mind

I walked down the long corridor, so long I cannot seem to make sense of what is at its end, or if there was an end to it. On either side of me were tall white walls with holes in it, hollows that housed white candles lit in glass jars. Somewhere, a chorus sang, its echoes resonating on the walls and in the innards of my ears, its angelic tune warming up my heart, like a sunbeam waiting to burst out of me. I walked along these walls, touching them with my bare hands, caressing its every surface. I raised my head up to the ceiling, and was spellbound by its intricate architecture; swirls of gold, white and bronze carved out onto its buttresses, depictions of angels with wings on their backs playing soundless tunes on their harps, doves with heart shaped spools of ribbons spilling from their beaks adorning its domed edge. Nearing the end of the corridor, on the left wall, there was a flight of stairs spiralling upwards. Its narrow walls were lit with candles too, cream coloured ones. I ascended the stairs, tilting my head slightly to one side, trying to peer to the top, taking one cautious step after another.

at peace with thyself

i am at this moment in life where everything seems perfect. despite the non-ending assignments (3 major ones in a 7 day period), the scorching hot weather (burnt neck), and that i do not fail to crave for chocolate and ice cream at the weirdest time of the day (think 12am), i love the pace of life i am now going through. an episode of criminal minds or glee during lunch/dinner, hanging out with friends in between classes and assignment submissions, succumbing to the temptation of a half-eaten snickers bar, and taking a nap right before dinner. i can sufficiently say, right here and now, that my last semester of uni life definitely is one worth reminiscing. my friends - old and new - who held me through tough times, who encouraged me not to give up when assignments are killing me, who were there to lend an ear or two when i wanted to rant, who filled my life with laughter throughout the day, noon and night. thanks for everything, everyone!

belated birthday pressie from yujia, with notes all written around the box. thanks yujia! i love it so much :)

this was what was inside the pretty little box :) purse!

peace; from cotton on for only rm2.50. for hope charity. thinking of getting the other 2 designs.

i have no idea why i am all sentimental right now, maybe it's cuz i m leaving my 3 years of degree life in monash behind in just another 2 weeks. 2 weeks, we shall have picnics around campus (instant cup noodles are with me!), we shall have more eat-outs (i still owe you girls a birthday treat!) and fill the remaining weeks with ecstatic joy. shan't we, girls?

the whole day today was joyful, to the brim. ihassnowflakeforsupper, nothingbeatsthat!

HAPPY MUMMY'S DAY MUM :)

thanks to the power of photoshop, this was our present for mummy, hehe! love ya mum!

fragments

colour palettes, blue. but pink, with white heart-shaped swirls.

a scent of sweetness, like peach-coloured balloons against the cloudless sapphire sky, stagnantly floating.

short dresses and school bags, ice creams and rainbow coloured nail polish.

dreamcatchers, their feathers dancing in the wind, its colours gleaming in the sunset.

look in the mirror, shed some tears, brush your hair, smile a little.

white lace dresses, pink shorts and skinnies, crotchet tops, hats all floppy.

icing on the cake.

dragon's pearl, something treasured, something beautiful.

understand each other like the back of your palm, like the back of each other's palms.

breadcrumbs/bluehairmiumiudress; fashiongonerogue/xiaoxiaoonawall/
purplesky; fashiongonerogue/heart/whitekittypinkroses; dreamcats/
bluewhitegreen/zaratrfapril2011lookbook; fashiongonerogue/ruby

22

thanks to technology, i literally spent my birthday in virtual celebration with friends and family. wishes poured in on facebook (thanks birthday notification thingie), twitter, and texts from overseas (hi auntie su!) as well as a nice call from home :)

the person who said birthdays are fun days apparently do not have 2 assignments due on the same day next week! but i had fun over the weekend though! roaming aimlessly around different malls on different days - saturday and sunday - it was therapeutic, window shopping did not cost a thing but we spent massive amounts of money indulging ourselves in food. he took me to satisfy my coffee icecream craving at haagen dazs but we ended up satisfying other flavoured ice cream cravings as well; rum raisin, chocolate truffle, cookies and cream, macadamia nuts, strawberry and tiramisu! yumyum!

a GoldArt statuette from the bf. cute little things. i just wished i could open its casing and touch its surface!

thankyou kinta for this little book!

now back to mugging on psychology journals and writing up the vertical sound localisation lab report! oh and i was ecstatic beyond words for my first writing assignment :)

as time passes
realizations fill you
and your soul
and you feel complete
and you feel loved
you learn to cherish
you learn to learn
and then you learn to be grateful
of all the wonderful things in life
that has ever happened
or yet to happen
you see rainbows in the sky
coloured shadows on the sidewalks
light breeze caressing your hair
and you trot on air
at ease
at fulfillment
at completion

an eulogy

love, a day more than forever.

when dr sharon asked us to write an eulogy in the form of a six-word memoir about ourselves during writing class, that was what i wrote.

oh and the white roses? i just find the colour white so calming nowadays. have been wearing white since the weekend.

white roses from knightcat

a prayer

She ran her slender fingers over the length of the cat's body, she was eating out of her food tray. The crunching sounds made as pieces of food were squashed between her sharp teeth, she ate hungrily. Ocean fish and salmon pockets, her favourite, with the occasional dried anchovies and fish heads. Her body of pure white fur had start to shed, as she stroked the back of the cat's body with practiced motions from the nape of her neck to the tip of the tail the length of her body.

She has been here for a year, since she was a baby barely a month old. Separated from her mother when she fell into a wet drain, almost drowned to death if not for her sharp ears that heard her faint meow on that fateful hot afternoon. Both she and her sister tried fervently to rescue it, first trying to scoop it out with her bare hands, leaning into the drain with buttocks to the sky. But it did not work, she was too far away, the drain too deep.Finally her sister stepped onto the walls of the drain, feet apart, constantly adjusting the weight of her body on both legs as to balance herself.

Slowly lowering her torso deeper into the drain, she reached out for the little thing, still meowing with what energy that her tiny body can allow for. Perhaps she saw the hand reaching out for her, as the echoes of her meowing got closer she was waddling like a duckling, threading painstakingly over the filthy drain water, a mix of detergent and waste residue from the houses nearby it. Her sister kept encouraging her on. Come little one, almost there, here, come here.

After what seemed like hours, she did. Her sister scooped her up, putting her onto the pavement by the drain, the little thing of complete white coat with gem blue eyes all soaked in filth, meowing louder and staggering to get closer to their feet for safety. They carried her into the house, cleaned her dirty fur until she was as white as snow again. Exhausted from her terrifying experience, she slept in her arms, in the midst of all the washing and drying. She was really tiny, the size of her palm.

It's slowly getting dark outside, and it's raining. She saw him getting on his trusty old bike, balancing an umbrella in his right hand, taking off in the direction opposite the house, a worried expression blanketing his wrinkly face. They took off too, with umbrellas in hand, in search of her, shouting out her name. Beating around the bushes that she normally loved to play under with a rattan stick, threading through puddles, looking into dark corners and alleyways. No sign of her pure white body. No sign of that familiar meow.

A silhouette appeared from afar, a shadow on a bike with an umbrella in hand. Grandpa slowed down to a halt before the gates, exceptionally quiet. We looked at each other, frowned, observed a droop in our shoulders and facial expressions, lowered our heads as we tried our best to control the tears from falling. But doing so shattered our fragile hearts into pieces instead. Now we can only pray and hope that she comes back home safe and sound, that familiar meow ringing at the back of my head, and her lithe white body running about happily in my mind's eye and dreams.

"a prayer"

blackhumour 201103122309

cloud nine twice

"Train to Birmingham arriving at platform six." Gary stands up from his squatting position, pushing his right palm against a wall, stabilising his groggy body with all his might. Putting on his Raybans and adjusting his shirt, last night's visuals still haunt him. His ribs protruding from his torso, that guy had hit him hard. His aching stomach starts to worry him, his throat now dry, and his limbs now wobbly from having to put up with all this. This is a busy station, but still, nobody amidst this crowd saw his pain and agony. Incapable of holding on, Gary finally drops unconscious. A lady standing by Gary shouts, and a kind soul dials 911. His vision blurring him, Gary drifts into a land of unknown.

it's fulfilling, yaknow, the feeling when your name had been called by your lecturer to read out aloud your narratives while your writings are being showcased via the overhead projector in front of the entire class. how about if you doubled that feeling? ecstatic it was! bonus was when she commented "narrative seems effortlessly composed as it's fluid" when in reality i was having a hard time cracking my brain open trying to form a whole paragraph without the letter "e"! honestly i thought i managed without any "e"s until after i sent her my piece and read through that i accidentally put in an "e"! nevertheless, yays X) that my first ever writing unit in uni went way better than i had expected it too!

Kayla Grace All the way to the waist
Ribbons and pearls and pink bows
Unicorns and Rapunzel and fairytales
Feelings and emotions and all those struggling relationships

V

something i wrote

especially for you

for being there by me

for all these times

i know you'll forever be the strong shoulder i could always lean on

through thick and thin

rain or shine

i love you

and adore all your crazy antics

forever and always.

happy valentine's

melancholia

sometimes when you are not what others think you are, you tend to go all mellow inside. sometimes when you are all mellow inside, you tend to retreat into your shell. under all those laughter and playful giggles, no one believes you are actually breaking up and being torn apart by the facade that you are putting up.like a clown putting on too much make-up, drawing a smile that is way bigger than what the heart portrays, pretending to be something larger than life; that in real-life, when the dream is over, the people all gone and the laughter fades, the mask strips off, leaving you to bleed under your own heartbreak and sadness, under the tears and the gurgled breaths that you take. suffocation, the walls are closing in, the phantom manifesting itself, the darkness that was once buried deep in the roots of the soul, suppressed until it can be concealed no more. no more, there is no more. no more happiness in the small hole that you called home, the empty space with no love and no hope, the space where the heart once lies. a beating heart, now substituted by a piece of glass, broken into a million pieces.

"melancholia"; blackhumour 201012011513

havent been writing alot like i used to, trying to channel my inner poet, inspired by the constant rain and grey skies that seemed to engulf the whole world this past week, making the house appear to be darker and gloomier than it usually is. even with the lights switched on and the wooden door open ajar, the world outside still feels dead, no cars on the street, no cats meowing like they used to, flowers and trees all bending their heads like they were saddened by this downpour too. where are the sunny laughter of kids at the playground? it is the school holidays, aren't they supposed to be out and about, chasing each other and riding bicycles and shrieking with joy going on the swings? what is childhood like today that it was not 20 years ago?

photo taken at bali

10; cookies and cream

roamed around klcc, lowyat plaza and times square the whole day, making up for the anniversary we couldnt spend together last sunday. walked around with him helping me lug that damn heavy d90 just so that we could take random pictures of food and the sky. looked around for a self-adhesive photo album but to no avail. oh well, just have to keep on looking.

right arm around my neck
fingers entwined
pout pout laugh laughters
ice cream sweet
cherry on top
strawberries glazed in sugar
candy floss clouds
random toppled popcorn like stars
similar
to those in your eyes
twinkles in the sun
shining in the dark
so many years
hundreds of months
thousands of days
millions to go
i you we
i you we

101010

thanks so much to friends who wished us (explicitly or implicitly) on facebook although we couldnt celebrate it together on this memorable day, it was overall still a very heart-warming day. to know that i m loved, not only by the guy who stood by me for so many years, but also loved by our circle of friends. you guys are terribly awesome!

thanks for all the *likes* and sweet comments on our statuses and photos and links, and for tagging us all over your own statuses, at the same time spamming other friends' homepages and notifications the whole of last night and today. my apologies as well as heaps of thank yous.

last but not least, thank you. for being there for me. we knew each other since we were 7, but it felt just like yesterday.

remember how at standard5, we were asked by our class teacher to sit next to each other for the rest of the year, on the first day of school year, we both had the exact same pencil box -- the metal pilot one with a dinosaur on it -- and the same mechanical pencils in different colours? we had to share one table because the teacher's table was somehow missing. tears are streaming down my cheeks as i m writing this, but happy tears they are.

had been stressing over psychology project the past weeks but today somehow i felt at peace, like everything's gonna turn out alright. xiaoxiao's sick with a swollen eye and is not eating, not drinking or moving, but as long as she's tough enough to make it through until the vet's visit tomorrow she'll be alive and kicking as well, she's a resilient little one.

and so i, too, will be, tough and resilient, taking example from an 8 month old kitty; in facing with life's hardships and with the workload and upcoming finals. so i will be, forever grateful to the loves of my life, to those who love and cherish me; family and friends, and you, the treasure of my heart and soul.

.Happy Anniversary.

696 acacia seeds, one clock that stroke 10pm. one camera, one photo editing website and one social networking site. one story. one love, that made this all possible. iloveyou.

nikon d90. picnik.